beautifulDISGRACE

11.3.2004

i hurt myself today..

mood-- deeply upset and saddened.
musik-- "Hurt" -Nine Inch Nails

I've had a bad day. Not like anyone really cares.

I got home and then Dan came over. I was talking to Brie online and she was upset, so me and Dan decided to go over her house for a little bit to cheer her up. That was kinda fun. I got her to smile more than once which is always nice. I love you Brie! You know I'm here for you! :)

Then, me and Dan went to the mall for a little while. We went to Hot Topic and looked around and wished we had a bunch of the stuff in there. lol. Then we wnet to Spencers and just bullshitted around. After that, I got my ears pierced again. Gah, I love it.. I now have 12 ..COUNT THEM!.. 12 piercings. Wahoo. lol.

If you read the blog that I have on myspace, you would know that I have been contemplating the thought of cutting again. Things got a little out of hand and I just broke down completely and I cut. It's not too bad. The one cut is pretty deep though. Oh well. Dan was upset about it.. he told me, once again, that he wants to do everything he can to help me with my.. 'problem'. I hope he can, because I know I shouldn't hurt myself anymore. It just makes me more upset and depressed.

I have done a lot of stupid shit lately. Namely fucked over one of my best friend's. I'm trying to cope with it and try to get our friendship back and try to earn her trust again, but it just isn't working. I honestly just don't know how to please her, or anyone for that matter. But I'm not going to get into this. She doesn't want to be friends iwth me anymore, so I guess that's how it's guna be. I can learn to deal with it. It will take time, but I will deal. I just want al of this shit to be over. It's in the past and there is nothing we can ever do to change it.. so why keep fighting about it? Why hold on to it? I'm just not going to do that anymore. She obviously wants nothing to do with me, so I guess that's how it will be. So it's over and done. With my last words said, this is finally over. Goodbye, and let's just leave this at that.

Well It's getting pretty late, so I'm off to bed. Goodnight all. I love you Dan. You are truely amazing. Thank you so much for everything you have done for me. <3

Posted at 11/3/2004 10:46:33 pm by blood-red-love
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10.5.2004

Save me from myself..

mood-- pissed/'okay'
musik-- "Annihilation" -Norma Jean

wow.. this 'MooMoo' chick in my tag board is really pissing me off. fuck her, can't she find something better to do with her fucking time then sit there and try to pester me?! god damn that is fucking PATHETIC. people are still really immature obviously. oh well.

i'm happy lately.. well at least happier than i was! me and kyle <3 started going out on sunday (10.3.04)!* i feel all special! lol. it's great.. he constantly tells me how he loves that he's with me.. it's so fucking cute! lol. Sara, Michelle, Heather, and Chelsea all tell us all the time that we are super cute together! haha. it's so funny! i LOVE those girls to death! they are so fucking awesome! =)

well yah, i'm a little tired and such so i must be off. goodnight lovelies! ..::MuAh!!::....::KiSSeS!!::..

i hate saying my goodbyes..

[no lyrics..=/]

Posted at 10/5/2004 10:30:19 pm by blood-red-love
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9.30.2004

jet black tears..

mood-- fine again..
musik-- "Fine Again" -Seether

wow, i feel so much better. please disreguard my last update. i was deeply upset and i missed James a lot. i felt as if i couldn't go on without him anymore. i broke it off with Kyle that day. later that night, i called Kyle.. we talked for like 4 hours and he helped me to realize how bad Jimmy really treated me. he helped me realize that i shouldn't be with him, because he is an asshole. i mean, i still have feelings, strong feelings, for Jimmy.. but i probably will never be with him again. Right before me and Kyle got off the phone with each other, we decided to start 'talking' again. =)

Kyle, you are so fucking amazing. i can't believe you are this awesome. lol. i don't know why you put up with me, but you do, and i love it! lol. you are so nice and sweet to me. haha like it's so sad.. people come up to both of is, ask us if we're going out yet, and when we say no.. they start yelling at us! haha it's great. =P all i know is i love being with you. we have so mucg fun together.. like even when we just beat the crap out of each other! lol. you are seriously the best.. and i hope we will be together soon. i'm almost stable again.. i'm getting there i promise. and once i reach that stage of stability.. we will be togther, officially. =) i heart you so much.. you mean everything..

i really have to say that i haven't been this happy and this sad at all ever before, and it's so weird because i feel both emotions so strongly at the same time. it's kinda odd. oh well. lol. i'm really happy that things are starting to get a lot better for me. actually, things are starting to get better for everyone lately.. i think and hope anyway..

"It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s guna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s guna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s guna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s guna be fine
One day too late
just as well

And I’m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you’re never guna get away
And I’m not scared now.
And I’m not scared now, No..

I am aware now of how
everything’s guna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone’s guna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything’s guna be fine for me
For me, for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself.."
--Seether

Posted at 9/30/2004 10:12:11 pm by blood-red-love
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9.26.2004

why can't i just FORGET you?!

I just can't take any of this.

I can't do this anymore.

It's over.. it's all just over.

I'm sorry Kyle, but I can't do this.

I'm in love.. and I know it's a hopless cause.

But I just have to try.

I can't give up on him yet.

I need him.

I can't forget about him.

I tried so hard to, but the more I try.. the more I remember how much I loved him.

The more I realize I can't live without him.

I just need to be with him.

Maybe me and you could be something in the future.

But there is no place for us now.

I'm sorry.

I just want to stop crying.

I just want to stop hurting.

And this is the only way.

Jimmy, I love you.

"When I look into your eyes, you help me realign
And show me just how to be myself inside.
I’m in control of everything,
It’s taking time but that’s okay.
I can bring you to my side.

You're my blessing in disguise!
You’re mine (You’re mine).
You’re mine (You’re mine).
You’re my blessing in disguise,
You make me realize
Just how and where I want to be
Years from now.

When my focal point is set,
I’m something I know I'll get.
It’s not a question of how but more of when.
You're a hot commodity,
The choice is mine and mine for keeps.
I can bring you to my side.

You're my blessing in disguise!
You’re mine (You’re mine).
You’re mine (You’re mine).
You’re my blessing in disguise,
You make me realize
Just how and where I want to be
Years from now.

When I look into your eyes, you help me realign
And show me just where my dedication lies.
I’m in control of everything, it’s taking time but that’s okay.
I can bring you to my side.

You're my blessing in disguise!
You’re mine (You’re mine).
You’re mine (You’re mine).
You’re my blessing in disguise,
You make me realize
Just how and where I want to be
Years from now."

--Taproot

Posted at 9/26/2004 7:17:55 pm by blood-red-love
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9.23.2004

Listen to their screams..

mood-- happy and sad.. well more like undescribable.. never felt this way before.
musik-- "Charred Fields of Snow" - A Static Lullaby

i just wanted to tell everyone that there won't be any updates for awhile. a lot is going on and i'm just trying to keep up with my life. everything is just happening so fast. it's hard to figure out what i should do..

i don't know why.. but i just miss you so much.. and maybe i should regret what happened between us. i try so hard to forget all the memories i had with you.. but they just won't go away.. jimmy, maybe i do need you.

"This touch,

last touch,

this touch,

won't break me.

Now I,

I see you.

I'm sorry,

I'm not sorry.

A word too soft

to be spoken,

wrapped in barbed wire

and traveling amongst

the charred fields of snow.

I have become wounded

for the souls lost

in this display

of self rightous

ideals break,

for I'm the one

who deserves this pain.

The innocent will find,

innocence will find

its place in heaven.

This pain will not stop,

I now dispose of you.

One by one

their souls will

take you over.

The pain of thousands,

your time has come.

To think you

have broken us down,

you have not.

The innocent

are free now

and you're condemned.."

--A Static Lullaby

Posted at 9/23/2004 5:53:49 pm by blood-red-love
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9.14.2004

My blood-red massacre..

mood-- indecisive..
musik-- "In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth:3" -Co&Ca

I'm well on my way..
to rock bottom that is.

My life is twisting..
i'm being pulled in every direction.
I feel as if i'm going to break any minute now.
I feel an emotional break-down coming on.
Excuse me while i slit my wrists.

Did you know that
when people used to be sick
doctors would cover their patients
in leeches
to drain all of the
bad blood away.
I wish they still did that..=/

I miss being happy.

I have nothing right now.

I'm torn between the two people that i care about the most.

I have lost my best friend.

It's hard going on everyday without a best friend.

I miss her muchly.

You see, for awhile there..
I actually thought I knew what I was doing.
I thought i had it all together.
Everything was going good.
And i hate to say it..
but then you happened..
and my world came to a screeching stop.
Like i said..

I'm almost at rock bottom.

I have been contemplating on what would be the right thing to do.

I haven't reached a decision yet,

but i am fairly sure i am almost there.

That is definitely a good thing.

I'm so tired of crying.

I'm so tired of being frustrated.

I'm so tired of being confused.

But most of all, I'm so sick of feeling alone.

"A broad incision sits across the evening
The victim to our fathers lost war
The restless children sit and mourn the graves
Of those they've never seen before
Will they be buried here among the dead?
In the silent secret

The pioneers
In dealing with it they march for dawn, of Will and worthy
The truth be told the child was born
Man your own jackhammer
Man your battle stations
We'll have you dead pretty soon
Sincerely written from my brother's blood machine
Man your own battle station
We'll have you home pretty soon

Awake through motion with curiosity to curtain your first move
Over arms length they'll break protocol
Jealous envy for the youngest one
To be the hero is all I'll ask
Can I be buried here among the dead?
With room to honor me here in the end
You'll be better off too soon
You'll be better off when you get home

For you,
I'd do anything just to make you happy, hear you tell me that you’re proud of me
For them,
I'll kill anything cut the throats of babies for them break their hearts for they were them
Waiting for you to say… I love you too

The navigator
The pilot
Her favorite
The one they call the vision that bears the gift

Will,
Do the children really understand the things you did to them?
And why oh why…
Should they conjure up the will for you my love I would kill him
we're coming home pretty soon
Coming home

In the seventh turning hour
Will the victims shadow fall?
Should the irony grow hungry?
With the victory and all they sought for
We were one among the fence
One among the fence

We're coming home

Man your own jackhammer
Man your battle stations
We'll have you dead pretty soon
And now
Sincerely written from my brother's blood machine
Man your battle stations
We'll have you home pretty soon
tonight"

--Coheed and Cambria

Posted at 9/14/2004 4:53:57 pm by blood-red-love
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9.8.2004

I'll do everything I can to keep you by my side.. just kiss me before I go..

mood-- deeply upset.
musik-- "Nightingale" -Saves The Day

i just don't know what's going on anymore.

don't expect updates for awhile..

Posted at 9/8/2004 5:01:58 pm by blood-red-love
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9.5.2004

I'm not so sure, if I'm sure of anything anymore..

mood-- unsure..
musik-- "On Wings of Lead" -Bleeding Through

i spent all day [from like 12.30 - 11.45] with Jim.
i have to say that i really did miss him.
i'm just not so sure if i wana be with him anymore though.
i still have feelings for him, but maybe that's just because i don't want to hurt him.
i duno.. i'm just so confused on everything. =/

anyways, we went four-wheeling from like 12.30 - 6.30ish.

it was a lot of fun.

Jim taught me ho wto drive it. 8)
it was awesome.
we met up with this guy and girl who were also riding.

they were pretty kool.

Jim was excited cuz now he has someone to ride and climb hills with lol.

after we got from four-wheeling, i took a shower over his house.
that was so weird. O.O
i duno.. like showering at your boyfriend's house is just.. really odd lol.
but yah.. then we went to Jarrod's house for awhile.
then Jarrod kept getting prank calls and shit.
it was so annoying.
Jarrod was getting so pissed.

then, whoever it was, stopped calling.

we went back to Jim's house for a little bit.
me and Jim went up in his room and slept while Jarrod, Ritchie, Micheal, and Collin watched tv downstairs.
then they took me home.

when i got home, i got online for a bit.
then Kyle called.
omg me and Kyle talked for like.. FOREVER!
we were on the phone from like 12.15ish - 4.30 am!
it was insane.
we were just talking about everything!
we like re-capped our entire friendship..
and we became friends in like 6th grade!
ahh i love Kyle!
he is so awesomeee. 8)

i hope me and Kyle stay best friends for a really long time!

after i woke up this morning.. i got a call from Jim.

he told me about what happened to him and his friends after they brought me home last night.

all i'm guna say about what happened is that his ex-girlfriend Samantha is fucking insane..

and that there was a huge ass fight.

i'm pretty sure that everyone is okay though.

i just don't know anything anymore.

i never wana say goodbye.. no, not to you..

"Nothing was supposed to hurt like this.

missing you was always one more kiss.
now there's nothing that i can do.

one more nail in the coffin,
and it's all for you.

always were and always were a simple love story.

you were everything i ever hoped and dreamed.

drown me in a pool of my blood.

it's getting harder just to breathe.

i'll suffocate you faster just so you can't see,

so you can't see me sleep.

it's getting harder just to say the right things.

i've seen the angel's face,

and i've heard her sing to me.

from my reflection on this razor blade,

i've heard ten thousand dying screams,

and they're calling me.

the day will break on this saddest day,

so don't let me wake.

i've heard this all before,

and i've seen this over and over again.

don't let me wake.

drown me in a pool of my blood.

it's getting harder just to breathe.

i'll suffocate you faster just so you can't see,

so you can't see me sleep.

the day will break on this saddest day,

so don't let me wake.

i've heard this all before,

and i've seen this over and over again.

don't let me wake.

nothing was supposed to hurt like this.

and missing you,

was always one more kiss.
and now there's nothing that i can do.

there's just one more nail in the coffin.

there's just one more nail,

and it's all for you.

i've seen the angel's face,

and i've heard her sing to me.

from my reflection on this razor blade,

i've heard ten thousand dying screams,

and they're calling me.

the day will break on this saddest day,

so don't let me wake.

i've heard this all before,

and i've seen this over and over again.

don't let me wake."

--Bleeding Through

Posted at 9/5/2004 4:05:48 pm by blood-red-love
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9.4.2004

you love to kill me..

mood-- heartbroken </3..
musik-- "My Confession" -Otep

i'm shattered.
i feel so alone.
i don't understand what happened.
i feel as if i did something wrong.
i didn't want to lose you..

i talked to Korbin today.
he decided to break it off with me.

i'm really hurt.
yesterday he was all over me, he seemed so happy to be with me.
and now, i don't even know what to say to him.
his reason for breaking it off is because he doesn't want a girlfriend.
i know he didn't mean to hurt me, but he did.
i have a big trust issue with guys ever since what happened with Neil.
and i trusted Korbin.
and now, i'm not so sure i can ever trust a guy again.
i've just been hurt way too many times to take another risk.
i just don't want to end up doing something stupid.

yah know, i really liked Korbin.

i really wanted to be with him.

he's one of those people that the more you talk to him, the more you like him.

i just wanted 'us' to happen and to work so badly.

but i've sunk to the bottom once again.

so here i am.

drowning in my sorrow.

all caught up in depression again.

hopefully all of this will pass soon.

i really don't think i can take much more of this.

it's complete bullshit.

and i just don't want to take it anymore.

i think that i might just want to burst.

maybe i want to just finally crack.. maybe i want to just finally go insane.

my suffering has gone too far.

and i can't find a way out.

there is no way out.

so i guess i'll say my goodbyes.

you love to kill me..

".. my confession..

because i'm diluted & perfectly flawed

i shall live by passion & not by law

and i'm insecure..

i need aggression to feed the spiders of perception

and i'm supposed to be strong

& have all the answers

a cannibal in the new church of cancer

but i'm nothing special

i'm not unique

i have many secrets

& i eat the weak

and i'm at an end

i'm at an end..

and there's..

NO WAY OUT!!

i need to find my sanctuary..
someplace safe

gotta get this outta me..
this is my escape

and i think about it all the time

i'm volatile

& afraid to cry

but i'm still not comfortable in my skin

and the anesthetics slowly wearing thin

& i need to talk to someone new

i need a different latitude

& i'm in this void all alone!

feeling needy..

hungry to grow

but i'm suffocating

can't come down and..

no..

THERE'S NO WAY OUT!!!

i need to find my sanctuary..

someplace safe

gotta get this outta me!

THIS IS MY ESCAPE!!!

all i see is sadness

all i see is sadness..

what's left?

this will teach them.

this will teach them..

you've got to..

push..

Push..

PUSH..

YOUR WAY OUT!!!

FOLLOW ME!

THIS IS YOUR WAY OUT!!

you are not alone..

this is where i hide my power

this is where i become free

this is where i take control

and slowly choke your fantasies

i want to know my day is coming

see my enemies be punished

shed my skin again

this will be my best revenge!!

SHED MY SKIN AGAIN

THIS WILL BE MY BEST REVENGE!"

--Otep

Posted at 9/4/2004 3:18:01 am by blood-red-love
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9.3.2004

Why am I even here?

Why do I never fail to fuck things up?

It always seems to happen with me.
Just when I think everything is going good..
It hits.

Clogs my lungs.

Rips my heart out.
Paralyzes me.

My life is very complicated.
No one can ever understand it but me.
No one can know what I'm going through except me.
And that's probably why it's so fucking hard.
I can ask people what to do, but no one really ever knows the right answers.
They just take a hard guess, and hope that it turns out right.

I'm stuck in a difficult situation.
I'm not sure I can get out on good terms this time.

I just don't want to hurt anybody.
But I know someone will suffer my consequences.

It sucks knowing that.
It's always there, repeating in the back of my mind.
It never fails to stop.

I'm deep in sorrow once again.
I can't remember my purpose for even being here.
I can't feel anything anymore.
I'm completely numb.
It's not a good feeling.
I wish I could get out of this mess.
But of course, I just keep digging myself deeper.
I'm only 15.. my life isn't supposed to be this complex yet.
But of course it is.

If anyone wants to know what exactly I'm talking about..
you are guna have to call me or IM me.
But i'll only tell the ones I truely trust to know.
Those are only a choice few.

I wish i didn't have to say goodbye..

Posted at 9/3/2004 1:26:39 am by blood-red-love
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